Moving Over Battle Lines

There is a logical explanation for the time between my last blog and this one....My husband and I just moved to the next town over, Falmouth. Falmouth is where most of the circus-freak drama goes on, so here I am, over the battle lines. And by circus-freak, I mean the most absurd cases of adults acting worse than any 10 year old I've met. And that's an insult to the 10 year olds.

Before I dish, let me squeal about my new house for a minute. My husband and I moved from a cute, small house, perfect for the two of us, in an adorable neighborhood in Portland. Now we have a massive, 5 bedroom house with almost 2 acres of land, surrounded by trees. All this space, does in fact mean that we are hoping to expand our family. Nothing thus far, but no fear, we'll keep working on that.

Now, onto the adult-children of Falmouth. Alright, alright...I'm exaggerating by including all of Falmouth in that statement. It's one in particular that I speak of right now, and she's our old friend, Lisa. Lisa is still going after Natasha. Lisa wants to kick Natasha to the curb and then put a Nine West outlet heel in her kidneys. Lisa recently went to someone at the country club and complained that Natasha was spreading rumors about her. Were I the recipient of this complaint I would have replied with, "Who cares? Grow up." But apparently this sort of atmoshere is the perfect place for the narcissistic, immature types. Her complaint has been registered and Natasha may be called in front of the country club's "board of governors" and potentially have her own membership revoked. Ridiculous. I offered my husband's services, as an attorney, to give legal representation during this process. I'm hoping he goes into the board meeting and gives a great 1-liner like, "I think we can all agree that this is pure hogwash." Something Paul Newman would have said.
So, Real Housewife lesson for today is: If you have an adult approach you with a completely infantile request, please do not entertain these fancies at all. Just counter with, "Who cares? Grow up." Some people need to learn that it is not all about them.

Kids First, Claws Second

My fellow housewife, Natasha, and I went to a fundraising gala at a local country club last week. The benefit was for Kids First; an organization that supports families with children who are going through a divorce. The organization is wonderful, and many of the attendees were there because they know of the program on a personal level.


Of course we were there for the kids. We dutifully completed our laps around the tented patio where the silent auction items were set up. We played the game (like Ebay, I said) where we staked out our favorite items and waited until the last second to make sure we "won." That's how I describe it on Ebay as well....if you consider paying money "winning." I did win a gift certificate to the restaurant where I got married. Natasha racked up gift certificates to a lot of the fabulous Old Port restaurants, so we are planning our nights out to scribble some red on the town.

Meanwhile, I am beckoned quite earnestly by a woman I have never met. Good Lord, she was a little on the ditzy side; but friendly. If I were to think about it as a knowing and cautious housewife should; I might think that she uses her ditziness to pass the underhanded comments out in an unsuspecting manner. Let's call this peach, Mary.

One more character you will need to get acquainted with more than once is Lisa. Lisa is the nemesis. The trashiest thing you have ever seen step foot in a country club. Fake ta-tas, fake lips, everything pinched, pulled and poked (insert own bad joke here). Bleach blond bob on a (rumored) cocaine-induced skeleton look. Of course, it helps if your only source of diet is nose candy. (Allegedly.)

Ditzy Mary made an airy comment about Lisa being very skinny when Lisa bony-elbowed her way in front of the silent auction table for the cosmetic enhancement gift certificate. Lisa saw Mary conversing with Natasha and myself and must have decided that was reason enough to pull out the claws on unsuspecting Mary. In the middle of the live auction, while the auctioneer was taking a minute to make an emotional, personal testimony to the benefits of the Kids First program, Lisa met Mary in the hallway and gave her the old acrylic nail in the face. Lisa threatened Mary that she better not call her skinny anymore...

Really?? I would have kissed the woman and taken her along on the next family vacation. Aaahh, now that reminds me of another story about Lisa that I will save for another time.

And before I bid you adieu tonight...remember, sometimes we need to make it about the kids, not the claws. Save it for the blog.

Bravo, Portland

What do you think of when you think of Portland, Maine? Fabulous housewives? Maybe not the bronze, golden girls of OC. Not as many connections to the family as New Jersey. Still searching for the fabulous gay friends that accompany the ladies of New York. Our BoSox caps aren't as grand as les chapeaux belonging to Atlanta; but I did see some creative hats out at the Jr. League Kentucky Derby party.

It comes down to this: the group that I associate with are classy, cultured girls who will make an interesting time out of an outdoor adventure, a night on the town, a French movie at the art museum, bubbly on the couch, bridal showers and travels. In the end it's all about being fabulous. Of course we want to hear about a little drama. I'll be happy to fill you in.